Alhamdulillahirobbil’alamin… It feels so glad to be back here.. I mean like, I am super happy to be at the moment I’m writing this piece of story after all the things that I had been through in the past 5 or 6 weeks. Only Alloh swt knows what kind of life that I had during those days… the worst days of my life yet full of valuable lessons. And because of that, I can now smile so wide. I feel much stronger. I feel so calm. And best of all, I feel so blessed knowing that I am never alone.
Between the beginning of July and early August when it coincided with the holy Ramadhan my life was so miserable. I can’t tell you how many times I cried even in a single day. For about seven years, I have been in love with a guy whom I have adored so much. And in the month my best friend told me that he has a girlfriend now. After what I have done for him during those years I can’t believe what he has done to me in return.
I woke up feeling so empty. This year’s fasting month is the hardest fasting moment in my whole life so far. I have admitted I was so jealous with her because she might not have worked so hard to get his attention. Every time the jealousy stroke I felt like a sharp knife was cutting my heart. I felt like I was breathing underwater. That was the moment I knew I had no where to run. I barely had somebody to help me. My best friends understood very well about this but I didn’t want to bother them. So, Alloh swt is the only helper. I have prayed a lot. I let Him taking care of everything because I didn’t know what else to do. It was the first time my brain did not correspond with my heart. My heart ruled the awful days and my brain was powerless. So dear Alloh swt.. for this matter, I surrendered everything at Your hands. You gave me this and I believe You will give the solution.
It was not as easy as I thought. It was no as smooth as each time I finished the du’a then all my sadness went away. No.. It did not happen that quickly. My emotion was so awful like hell. One moment I felt so relieved then another moment I cried again. This kind of pattern happened a lot that the morning after our last meeting I felt so emotionally weak. I have never had that kind of experience in my whole life. For the first time ever I talked to Him.. Oh God, help me because I can’t help myself!
The night before this morning, I couldn’t sleep. His face haunted me through the night. Usually, I was happy if he entered my dream but that night I was so frightened like hell. I had no spirit to go to the office but I had to work. I could have stayed at home, spending the day crying all the way but I had to force myself to go to the office. Thankfully, I worked as usual though my feeling was still broken. But never mind. I had to feel the pain. I should have stopped dreaming years ago but I refused to wake up. Now that was the time for me to put a brave face and come what may…
A few days after the meeting, I still felt so sad. I can feel my heart was still bleeding. My breath was running out. Oh God.. is this the so-called brokenhearted? I have to admit this guy was so special that I found it so damn hard to forget him. Each time I wondered when I will meet a wonderful guy as him I cried again. I could see a bleak future ahead of me. But it took seven years to have come this far so I must not give up.
Countless crying moment… frequent prayer nights and days… I still even cried when I was heading home for a ritual homecoming ahead of Eid Al-Fitr celebration. Worse, I was struggling to wipe my tears away when I was at home. Thankfully, my parents did not notice that their first daughter was having a big problem.
I was hanging on.. I kept going the dark, long tunnel with Alloh swt was by my side. And subhanalloh… the pain is no longer that awful. For the last few days, I wake up feeling so light. No burdens are over my shoulder. My last mourning was on Aug 4 when he turned 31 and the day when Juve hit Jakarta.
During the Damri bus that was taking me home from Soekarno-Hatta airport I almost cried that this year I did not send him birthday messages. I have promised to myself I won’t meet him anymore and contact him again. After the bus home ride, Alloh swt clears my problems. He is within me all this time and now I smile again. Slowy but surely, I am moving on without him. His shadows no longer follow me. And now I am so happy that I learn to be happy on my own. Besides, I am no longer worried that although I’m still single I am not alone because Alloh swt is always with me. He is within me. He sees me. He listens to every word that I say. He will suffice my needs, including about love. Now, before I fall in love with someone new, I learn to love Him. Hug Him, kiss Him every day because of Him Ican stand so tall right now. Because of His help now I can learn to love myself, too.. and because of His assistance I am collecting the broken part of my precious heart. And I am ready to make new friends and brace for a new love…
Subhanalloh.. . I am soooo grateful. Thanks a million Alloh swt…