January

January has been, is and will always be the most special yet complicated month among 11 others for my whole life. Yep. It’s because I was born on the 15th of January 1984. I am 31 years old. Oh my God!

About two weeks prior to my birthday I’ve got the world played me around. I was fighting against mixed feelings that consumed my days. For a few days I was confused, gloomy, frustrated, sad because I remembered how time was running so fast that left me with only a few days left to enjoy the last days of becoming a 30-year-old person. I don’t what to say. Frightened, I mostly felt.

The only one that completely stressed me out was realizing I am still single. Most of my friends have got married; some even have kids, while I remain like this. Each time I come to this subject I feel like a person who has yet to find a way out. The only thing that she/he needs to do is keep walking without knowing if she/he will find a solution about this. And during those days, this thing really put me in a giant black hole.

While I had not got through this subject, negative feelings attacked me. Suddenly, I felt not good enough. Ungrateful. Unproductive. Worse of all was trying to measure the success of my life within seven days ahead of the birthday. How silly that idea was! But I implemented that idea, somehow. I analyzed day by day. How well I worked. How many articles that I read during a single day. How discipline I was. The result was I got much more stressful. I even defined my feeling: was I happy? Was I sad? That was so stupid! Hell no! My life wouldn’t be defined by the days, not even the moment when I turned 31!

So, gradually I was attempting to deal with the complex situation. I put a brave face to have passed it all. I felt the not-so-good cracks within my heart. I cried a lot. I let the negativity took control of me. Let it be the actor for the stage. I prayed so damn hard. Alhamdulillahirobbil’alamin.. positivity came out from deep within. It was fighting against the negativity. The strongest weapon of all was being grateful. I looked back again on how super kind Alloh swt has been to me thus far. Each time I recalled my life journey I always get surprised because almost all of my dreams have come true. I’ve got a very good education. I am not a very rich person with prestigious job status yet I can pay all the bills. I can eat, drink well. I even have money for shopping. It’s all enough.

I haven’t had any chances to resume my study but I am so thankful that I can get a job that I love and is in accordance with my English Literature study background. My parents are healthy, supportive as always, the ones whom I can always rely on. Then, my sister is entertaining as usual. I am so blessed to have my family, the place where I can always go home to whenever I am sad or happy or even in blurred state of emotions. Also, relatives… they have been by my side ever since I was a little baby and they keep showering me with love until now.

I have dozens of good friends, some of them are really my confidantes, with whom I can share almost my stories with. I learn a lot from my friends. I gain good perspectives from them. Even for those who have quite opposite traits with me, I learn from their opinions, too.

My pals from the childhood, my schoolmates from kindergarten, elementary school, junior high school, senior high school until university are superb! Alloh swt has been so very kind to have met me with them all. I really like studying. I love being at school. That’s why my education path is a wonderful part of my life. I like reading. I like absorbing knowledge. Schools never bore me.

Then I look back at career. Being a journalist, a career woman.. Again, I am bemused to have realized that they have all come true. I remember very well I once said to my cousin that one day I would own a magazine company while drawing in a white paper. Then, when I was a senior high school student I dreamed of being a journalist. I have always been so fond of news and media. It has been the call from Alloh swt. Years later, I became a journalist. Also when I was at the senior high school, I wanted to study English Literature. I did not care what kind of job I would get by studying the subject but the point was I had to be a student of English Literature. I made it!

Although I am no longer a reporter I can still make a living by working in media industry. I have a career, the one that has always been my dream when I was at the junior high school. As I grow older I learn that the more I let go things that are not meant to be anymore the more I get much better subtitutions. The best example is I can go to Sydney, meet Alessandro Del Piero, spend two-days off for Juventus Tour in Jakarta, watch Westlife concert, and have good, healthy working environment after I give up working at The Jakarta Post, my former career workplace. It’s always amazing and fascinating to see how life unfolds on its magical way. The more I try not to control it the more it surprises me in brilliant kind of ways. Then, when I look backwards.. WOW!

I completely begin realizing how Alloh swt grants almost all my wishes when I watch Westlife concerts. Then Shane Filan, Ale, Juventus… Sometimes whenever I recall those unforgettable moments of meeting my idols from teenage term I can smile like a crazy person. That’s when I realize Alloh swt never takes my wishes for granted. No matter how many years they may take when the time is right my dreams will come true. And the moment is always precise! Recalling those moments also teach me that I am His special masterpiece just like everybody else. What makes me even so proud with myself is I work so hard to make them happen with the blessings from Alloh swt, definitely. Whenever I feel so low I use them as a motivation that I am a great person, that I have attained so much with my own efforts. It’s the believe, hope, persistence, consistency, hardworking that make the dreams are so worthy of being talked about, remembered a lot, shared with… forever thankful.

See, the list is limitless. Even all my scars, brokenhearted are the sources of pride. The ability of moving on from someone who is not worthy of my love is a kick in the ass. After seven years of mostly painful feelings, I was reborn into a much stronger person. I can’t believe that despite the failed relationship, I learn a lot, I understand myself much better. My heart is my actual life teacher.

My romance life remains uncertain but I believe I’m on the right track. I know how powerful my heart is. It can be broken so badly yet it can heal itself. And I always believe the saying that goes: what you get is what you give. I have learned how to love someone fearlessly. Best of all is I know that loving someone then losing him is a learning process not only about him but most of all is getting to know about myself. Simply put, I believe that whenever I fall in love that means Alloh swt gives me a chance to learn about myself, to train my own heart, though special guys.

Anyway, this post goes too far from initial plans. LOL. After putting brave face to get through the negativity (some even dealt with religious issues) I took unusual, breakthrough ways to spend the last night of my 30-year-old being. I prayed a lot. A special pray when which I sent gratitude to Alloh swt then wished Him to grant my years-long dream. After that I watched TV, fell asleep, then alas! I woke up at 00:02 on the 15th of January, 2015. Two minutes late from 00:00! A bit disappointed for I should have been awaken until 00:00 as I used to have done in previous birthday events; watching the Blackberry clock strikes at 00:00 which means another number adds in my already passing one. But never mind!

Then, I prayed again. Briefly. I got back to sleep. In the morning, I called my mom. Telling her about the birthday, that her first daughter has been 31 years old, asking for her good prayers while laughing during the short call was the BEST EVER that happened during the special day. To be honest, that was the first time ever I did such thing to my mom. I should have done that in earlier occasions. Never too late, tough, to start it all over again. I’ll do this much more often in the near future, amiiiin. Then, I got birthday messages from my father, sister, and yes, from him. Not to forget, lovely wishes from my friends were incredible.

After so many days of battling against confused state of minds, I was eventually able to make the 15th of January, 2015, a very dazzling, blessed, bright, unforgettable one. I fulfilled my own promise of making the special day as a day of positivity. I was so proud with myself for being able to put gratitude over the marriage plan which has yet to come into a reality. I’d like to call the day as the BEST BIRTHDAY EVER so far! Again, and again, looking back at my journey, I feel so special. My life has been such a spectacular journey, full of surprises, in so unthinkable, remarkable ways. I learn everything the hard way. I laugh hard. I cry hysterically. I can be so damn bleak yet I can be so freaking happy. On top and beyond of all that, the best thing of all, is that I give as sincere, pure, complete love as I have for people and things that mean the whole world to me. For this, I am SO DAMN LUCKY!

To close this unexpectedly super long post, I’d love to attach ‘Sweeter Than Fiction’ from Taylor Swift. This goes for my family for their unconditional love and support. Love them soooo very much!!!

Wait a minute! I intended to make this post a bit gloomy as I left the special month yet here is the post…. It sounded merrier as though it did pass there remain 11 months ahead which I strongly believe will turn into incredibly super surprising moments. So goodbye January. Hopefully, I won’t be alone in the next birthday events, amiiiin….

 

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