I can no longer read Indonesian novels, by heart, although I am an Indonesian and Bahasa Indonesia or Indonesian language is my second mother tongue after Javanese language. I can’t remember the last time I complete reading an Indonesian novel. Years ago I suppose. On my daily basis, I do read a few of Indonesian articles but mere articles which are less than 10 pages. Sometimes I write articles in Bahasa Indonesia, but mere short writings. Not novels. Not yet. And sometimes I feel sorry for myself for not wanting to write any Indonesian books. The thing isn’t because I don’t have any ideas or don’t know how to start. But the obstacle is how can I write a book if I don’t even want to read the stories that I will create?
Because of this, I have missed some good opportunities out there, for instances, short stories writing competitions or simply submitting my stories to magazines or publications. The problem with an idealist like me is that no matter how golden opportunities others may think, if I don’t want them, then I won’t ever go for that. And vice versa. If people say what I do may be useless, but if I put all the love into what I currently do then I’ll stick to what I believe.
Sometimes I blame my addiction to reading and writing in English language. I sometimes think I should haven’t read or written too much in English language. Occasionally, I think what a shame that I haven’t read novels by Pramoedya Ananta Toer, Indonesia’s greatest novelist, or the works by my friends. Some of my pals are authors, they produce amazing works. But I know I can’t force my feeling. If it says no then I won’t do that.
So here I am, still reading books in English language while occasionally reading articles in Bahasa Indonesia. It would be fantastic if my heart would be shifted at least to have willingness reading books in Bahasa Indonesia. But while waiting for the change of the heart, I keep doing what I love, seeing whereas my hobby may one day bring me career opportunities. Right now I still focus on Victorian Literature but I’m planning to shift my focus on another era or may be books from various countries.